4.2 Ask for heartfelt responses not shallow opinions
Sara, a friend of mine, was writing a memoir filled with stories, some tender, some funny, some excruciating. She told me she needed to get feedback but she didn’t want “attack” criticism. Her writing revealed so much about her inner life that she felt vulnerable.
So I suggested we do a Response Group. Here’s how that worked.
We each looked through our list of contacts and together picked seven women we thought were in her target market.
We invited them to join us for two hours on a Sunday afternoon in the community room at the local library.
I arranged their chairs in a semicircle and once they were seated, Sara sat down in front of them and read a story for ten minutes.
Then she went to the back of the room and I took her place.
I asked for responses. Not opinions, not judgments, not criticism, but…
Responses.
I asked these women to tell us the truth, positive, negative, and everything in between. I said it was okay for them to have contradictory responses, for example to like something and not like it at the same time.
As each person responded, I engaged her with…
Deepening questions.
Then after about fifteen minutes, Sara came back and read another story. And so it went for the two hours.
What was the result?
Six of the seven women had tears in their eyes at some point either during the reading or the responses.
They were eager to be asked the deepening questions. They were surprised at how much they had to say and how rich their responses were.
At the end, they stayed around. No one was in a rush to leave. They wanted to talk some more. They went out of their way to thank us for inviting them. There was a sweetness in the air.
Sara, who had thought she was going to need a bunch of these groups, told me that this one was enough. She could tell she was on the right track and she was fired up and ready to get back to work in the morning.
What was the magic?
Sara heard…
Heartfelt I-statements instead of hard-edged you-statements.
Instead of asking these seven women to step back and issue opinions from a safe distance, we asked them to go deeper into their feelings, which made their responses more personal and even intimate. They matched Sara’s vulnerability with their own.
And as they went deeper into their responses…
They took Sara deeper into her writing.
I’ve noticed that if you ask people for criticism, that switches them into…
A judgmental mood.
Not fun.
But when you ask people for their responses, they step into…
A mood of advocacy.
Sara got very positive responses, but what if the feedback you get is lackluster or disappointing?
There are still good reasons for doing a Response Group.
First, who are you writing for, critics or readers?
If the later, then you’re getting real responses from potential readers. And you’ll know what to work on to make a better connection with them.
Second, your friend, the facilitator, will help guide the responses so they’re helpful not hurtful.
Third, you’re not alone. Your friend will be there for you after the group to help you work through your feelings and think through the next step you want to take with your writing.
Some writing teachers recommend that you create an avatar of your reader, and that’s a good thing to do, but still it’s theoretical.
My favorite part of a Response Group is that it…
Makes your readers real for you.
You get to sit with them…
Inside your stories or message.
You get to feel their warmth. You get to see they want you to win. They really want that.
