4.1 Ask for advocacy instead of criticism
Let me ask you this…
Who are you getting your criticism from?
I’m guessing you’ve heard stories like this…
Ellen’s in an MFA writing program. This week at the end of class she hands out copies of her new story to her classmates so next week they can critique her story.
No one has taught them how to do thoughtful, supportive criticism, so next week they have at it. They hammer Ellen with comments that have hard edges. They slice and dice. They contradict each other. And each of them is certain about their criticism.
So Ellen leaves class feeling torn up. She loves writing so much and wants to get good at it, but being in this program is hurting her.
There are some writers, in fact, who get so hurt by a constant deluge of harsh and careless criticism that they quit writing altogether.
What’s the alternative?
I spent a year in a weekly group where the rule was that you only give positive feedback. We’d write to a prompt for ten minutes, then read aloud what we wrote and the group would respond with likes…
I like the opening line, it grabbed me.
I like your character, I want to know more about her.
I like your tone throughout this piece.
And so forth.
It was a sweet group, but in that year I made no progress. I needed something more than likes.
During the twenty years I coached nonprofit leaders on their toughest issues, I saw again and again that they needed to hear the truth.
Sweet talking them would have been a disservice. They needed to be able to see their blind spots. They needed to see their limitations. They needed to understand their triggers. In short they needed to…
Get real.
But…
They needed to hear this feedback from an advocate.
They needed to hear it from someone who was on their side…
Always.
Someone who would stand by them when they were hurting and bring them comforting. Someone who could help them step up to the challenges they were taking on.
They needed someone who would fight for them…
Until they could get good at fighting for themselves.
And I think this is the key to getting feedback as a writer, to…
Find a steadfast advocate.
And here are three things I recommend looking for in such a person.
First, do you know what it’s like when…
You’re talking with someone and he listens so deeply and well that you dig deeper and you say things that surprise you?
I wish for you an advocate who listens to you like that.
Second, do you know what it’s like when an editor doesn’t so much edit as re–write. He changes your voice into his own. He revises your arguments to the point that they become his arguments. And now the piece is no longer yours, even if it has your byline.
Compare that with…
A writing coach who sees more deeply into you than you see into yourself, and he knows how to help you make your writing more true to you. He helps you become the writer you most want to become.
That’s the kind of advocate I wish for you.
Third…
The more fierce someone is in their advocacy for you, the deeper they can go with their criticism and it will nurture you and feel good and lift you up instead of taking you down.
I wish for you an advocate who understands this.
It’s a special kind of skill…
To help someone develop.
It goes far beyond criticism. It takes training and effort to get good at it. And it takes…
A deep love of nurturance.
This is worlds apart from someone in a self–indulgent mood who pops off with lazy opinions they’ve thought about for all of two seconds.
Or someone who’s been hurt by rough criticism of his own writing and now it’s payback time. He gets to do to you what others have done to him.
Now you might be thinking that finding the kind of advocate I’m talking about might not be easy. And I’d agree with you. If you’re lucky, you already know such a person already. And you can ask her about working with you.
But otherwise you might need to be proactive and put out the word to let people know what you’re looking for. If you’re in a network of writers, maybe one of them knows a great advocate or coach and can make the introduction.
You might need to try out several people, auditioning them, before you find someone you can settle in with.
And this search could take some time, and yes, it’s a gutsy thing to do. But think about the difference it could make in your writing life to find a genuine, dedicated advocate.
