3.6 Make resistance your friend
Years ago when I got stuck and couldn’t make my writing work, I diagnosed myself as having…
Writer’s block.
And why wouldn’t I? I was stuck, I was stumped, I was blocked. There were a zillion articles and videos about blocks online. And whenever I spent an evening in the company of writers, it was a hot topic.
All of which meant it was such a pervasive thing that I came to believe it was just part of the deal…
If you’re a writer you have to struggle with blocks.
No way around that, so stop complaining and get used to it.
In the deluge of advice I found online, there were two main themes, I came across over and over again…
It’s caused by perfectionism. But I wasn’t a perfectionist. I just wanted to be able to do some good basic writing that would get my message across to people.
It’s caused by fear, either the fear of failure or the fear of success or both. But I wasn’t scared of success. When I had a good day, and finished a passage I had struggled with and liked it, I was happy. And I was failing plenty but that didn’t stop me. I kept trying to get to success.
When I was writing my first book, Love with Fight in its Heart, I finally got my breakthrough.
The pivotal chapter was simply titled, “Fight.” When I started writing it I thought I knew what I wanted to say and I’d be able to write it out easily.
But four months later I was still struggling with it. And a couple months after that, when I finally finished it, happy but exhausted, I saw the light.
I realized, I wasn’t blocked. Something else was happening. I was resisting.
I noticed the difference in those two sentences. The first was in passive voice, like the block was happening to me, the victim of the block, like it was an external imposition.
The second sentence was in active voice. I was the one doing the resisting. But why would I do that? Was it some psychological problem leftover from childhood? I had plenty of those. But when I looked more deeply into the situation it became clear and it was something really quite simple.
When I started that chapter…
I didn’t know what I was talking about.
So of course I couldn’t write it. This wasn’t a block, this was…
A need for more work.
So I quit using the word block and started thinking about resistance instead.
Then I saw that my resistance was looking out for me. When I personified it and turned it into an inner guide, this is what is said to me…
I’m not going to let you charge through this chapter and wrap it up when all you have is a sketchy understanding of what it needs to be. I’m not going let you put half-backed crap out into the world and then get clobbered with criticism, justified criticism.
And what could I say to Resistance, except…
Thank you! Thank you for being my friend.
And once I engaged with Resistance, it had more to say…
You know, Rich, here’s something the block people aren’t telling you. Writing is a creative art. For most people, it takes years of strategic practice to get good at it. That’s the bottom line of writing. That’s where discussions of block and resistance need to start from.
And I got hooked and jumped into a conversation with him.
Me: Explain.
Resistance: While you’ve been reading all those articles and books, I’ve been reading them along with you, and what bugs me is that many of the writing pundits assume that if you sit down to write you should be able to write and if you struggle that’s a block.
Me: Are you saying that’s an excuse?
Resistance: Yes and no. Lots of people have problems that interfere with their writing that come from childhood or their teen years.
Me: Like.
Resistance: Like lack of self–esteem. Like feeling they don’t deserve to succeed. Like self–sabotage. That kind of thing. Really serious stuff.
Me: So aren’t those blocks?
Resistance: I don’t like to call them that.
Me: Why?
Resistance: Because that term is too cold and externalized and unsympathetic. I call those kinds of things wounds.
Me: I’m with you there.
Resistance: So I think when you get stuck with your writing, it matters, it matters a lot that you get the right diagnosis for the problem.
Me: And with my “Fight” chapter?
Resistance: You had a lot of work to do before you could write it successfully, and on two counts. First you needed to spend a whole lot more time wrestling with the topic to work out what you really wanted to say about the partnership of love and fight that was the theme of your book.
And second, you had more personal work you needed to do to find the inner strength to finish that chapter.
Rich: Okay, I get that. You know, the way I see it, it took me twenty years to write that book.
Resistance: I know. I was there with you the whole time. I remember so many days when you decided you were not a good writer. And might never become one.
Rich: Hard years.
Resistance: Yes, but over those years you learned a whole hell of a lot about the craft of writing. You studied hard and worked hard and made progress. And now you get to feel proud of that.
Rich: But craft wasn’t my primary problem, was it?
Resistance: No, you had a whole lot of growing up to do to become the person who could write that book. Remember, you were doing a deep dive into the human psyche. You were going down to the bottom of the human operating system. You were confronting the source of human evil. You were confronting the death of hope.
And in the face of that you committed yourself to the mission of upgrading human love. Making of love something way better than the default evolution gave us.
Rich: When you put it like that it sounds pretty daunting.
Resistance: That’s the reality of what you were working on. So no wonder it took you a long time. On many days it was asking of you more than what you had to give.
Rich: Instead of seeing that, I kept thinking my problem with writing was a personal failing.
Resistance: Which kept you stuck. And kept you hurting in a way you didn’t need to hurt.
This is an example of the kind of conversation I have with my personal version of resistance.
And I’ve found that working on tough issues, it doesn’t help me at all to toughen up. Instead…
I need to find the strength to let myself get more vulnerable.
One more example. I’ve found that often, not always, but often, when I’m stuck and feel shut down, I’m actually not, because…
My subconscious is still working away at the problem.
And in a week or two or maybe a month or two, the answer will emerge and I’ll write it down and charge ahead.
Over the years I’ve learned to trust this process and not freak out about being stuck. I’ve learned that instead of trying to escape my resistance, it helps if I dive deeper in, immerse myself in it, embrace it, own it, and….
Let it open up and give me a blessing.
Instead of just trying harder, and then even harder, it helps if I get myself into play mode, which is…
A thousand times better than sitting frozen in front of my computer screen grinding my gears.
The most important lesson I’ve learned from my inner guidance is this. When I’m stuck, when I’m struggling, when I’m stumped, instead of asking…
What’s wrong with me?
I ask…
What do I need?
Specifically…
Do I need to develop my craft?
Do I need to get a deeper understanding of my topic?
Do I need to do work on myself personally?
And then I decide…
Can I take care of what I need on my own?
Or…
Is it time to get some help from someone who understands what I need?
Now let me ask you…
How can you turn your resistance into a friend?
If you personified your resistance how would it reveal itself? What kind of conversation would you have with it? What would you ask it for? What relationship would you create with it? How might it surprise you?
And…
How might it become a good friend?
